jenkathag

it's so easy for me to get side-tracked by the immediate need-to-do things of my daily life.  i rarely acknowledge things that haven't blown up in my face yet and this has worked (somewhat uncomfortably) for me for so many years that anything else that happens shocks me on a deep, profound level. like when bill comes back to the Horse.  we worked together about 20 hours a week for almost a year.  he was a bright, happy guy.  content with his place in life despite minor and severe setbacks over his 61 years.  never complaining, always helping.  and i just enjoyed that.  that's so different from me. i am known to hold a grudge like a lover and wallow in self-deprecating misery until it makes me physically sick.  so i liked him.  right off.  which was also odd for me, but it happened.  then he had a stroke.  survived it, but won't be able to rejoin the RH crew.  i missed him.  i worried about and for him, even prayed a little...again a real oddity in my life.  but he came back recently.  in a wheelchair, still immobile on his right side.  i've never been so happy to see someone.  my frigid little heart melted.  we hugged.  he cried.  i cried.  we cried and hugged and i realized that i was not just hugging a friend or coworker...but someone i loved.  not in the romantic hearts-and-flowers way, but in a respectful i'd-gladly-sacrifice-for-your-gain kind of way.  and then my brain went into overdrive.  i've gotten so used to ignoring the depth of my connections to people, that i've completely abandoned Love.  I haven't even been feeling it.  apparently it's still there...i've just not been adressing it.  i wonder about the time i've wasted with people i care for.  i wonder how many opportunities i've missed.  i can't promise to change.  i can only try to remind myself to observe and respond more to the call for closeness from people around me.  i hope that's enough.

"skinny" jeans in plus sizes do NOT look cute.  please stop.  just because an article of clothing is made in a size that will fit over your ass does not mean it's going to look good on you.  also...i love your little tummy....really it looks a lot like mine and i love me.  but please, PLEASE just say no to belly-shirts. and those teeny teeny-tiny shorts you've been wearing?  might want to rethink those, also.  nothing wrong with being big and healthy...just realize that we still have to share the planet with all these skinny bitches and dicks and they just wait sometimes for us to step out of line.  i think belly-shirt might be out of line.  i nag because i care.  it comes from love.

he is magnificent.  he's huge like a mountain made of man and frankly, he's kind of hot and awesome. he's also quite amusing...and by amusing, i mean dense.  he told me on monday, after finding out that horses don't eat straw, that they probably use it to make their nests. I think that's sweet.  it's the kind of comment that makes me want to pat his head and tell him "whatever you say, honey. I believe you".  i think that maybe I'd like to wake up one day smokin' hot and dumber than a bag of hammers.  just one day, to see if I like it as much as i think i would.  maybe I'd say something so completely, sweetly asinine someone would be kind enough to pat MY head.  that'd be nice.

i might not come back.  they still have death metal there.  i go where the death metal is.  i go where the vikings are.  i fukking love vikings.